Man, I sure have a weird mind. It's just the same as when I'm in a
public place and something bad happens. I start repeating to myself "Don't
cry, just don't cry", and sure enough, before I know it my face is all wet
and I can't stop it. I think my mind likes to sabotage itself. I never cry at
home. Ever. Except from a few times watching really depressing movies. And even
then it's usually just a single lonely tear. But in public, when I know I can't
cry, when I know people will be watching, and commenting, I can't help it. It's
the pressure. In job interviews, I always say I'm good under pressure. And I'm
not lying. I'm good under pressure. Professionally. When it comes to my own
pressure, I cave. All Hell breaks loose. I'm the crazy girl in the back,
bawling and kicking and screaming, yet again.
I once tried saying "Just cry, you have to cry right now!". It
helped. I didn’t cry. I don't know why I always forget to do that. But I do. I
try to boss my mind around and the bitch's a rebel, it does exactly the
opposite of what I tell it to do. So when I say "Don't panic", before
I even let my inner voice finish the sentence, my whole body starts tingling,
my heart starts racing, the butterflies start punching my stomach, and I'm in a
frenzy. All of a sudden I'm thinking "Don't you dare mess this up".
Which I always do. I need to use reverse psychology on myself. It's the only
way. I'm being patient, I'm being funny and not too awkward, I'm being so
freaking perfect that a big blowout is due anytime. Maybe the only way to
prevent it is to tell myself to let it happen. I don't know. I'm freaking out.
This is perfect. I don't do perfect. I do messed up, weird, impossible,
foolish, punch-yourself-in-the-face pathetic. I'm not the perfect girl that has
perfect things happen to her. I’m not the girl who can wear white and not spill
on it. I’m the girl who starts sweating when she gets nervous – as my best
friend says a little too often “you’re way too pretty to act like a geeky guy
who sweats buckets as soon as the hot girl says hi to him”. But I kinda am, in
a way.I'm the mess who's attracted to other messes and then has no option but
messing it up even more.
I let the crazy out too soon. I never liked strategy games. I liked Age
of Empires for a brief period but I gave it up because I didn't have the
patience to create an army before I went on trying to conquer the land. I
created something like 10 soldiers, 3 archers and a few guys on horses, can't
remember the name, and then I threw myself into the arms of the enemy. It was
always a massacre. I don't like chess, I don't like anything where you have to
carefully plan your move and antecipate your enemy's moves. I'm too impulsive.
If patience is a virtue I'm not a very virtuous girl. But I realise that love's
a game and I'm tired of knowing the rules and losing anyway. Everyone's insane.
But they're smart enough to not let it show too soon. They wait, they scheme,
and when they finally let their freak flag fly, the poor bastard is already in
too deep. I made a mistake by thinking I could just be myself, flaws and all,
and it would be alright. Honesty is always the best policy, right? No. I was
wrong. No one wants to see my flaws. Bastards want to be deceived. So I'm being
smart. I'm like this polished little version of myself. Not too polished, I'm
still kind of a noob when it comes to this game, but so far it's working.
However, I'm left with another question.
What will happen when the mask falls off?
2 comments:
When if falls people will either run away or already be in too deep ;)
Remember that everyone likes perfect people but no one ever loves perfect people. Who's perfect anyway? We're all just playing the same game. We shower, wear the last fashion, brush our hair and paint our nails, carefully pick our next hair color, car, shoes, (deodorant), facebook cover, selfie, bed, couch, water bottle (now I'm just saying random things - or am I? I actually have a pink water bottle!) etc, etc...
So what? So we all avoid the fact that we're not perfect, that no one is perfect. You sweat and cry, I cry and curse and have been in college for almost 10 years, rita has big feet with crooked thumbs, elsa stopped growing at what? 12? So what?
My point is: do masks even mean anything if we all wear them? Does anyone really expect other people to be as perfect, or even as "normal" as they look? Fuck that. I bet the princess of Monaco farts really loud when the court can't hear.
Were you perfect the last time you felt loved? Did you ever love a perfect person?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ-jvEd0pDw
Jesus *effing" Christ, I do NOT carefully pick my water bottle. Maybe that's why they couldn't love me. I'm kidding (or am I? Devil's in the details, they say). I love it that we're communicating in a different language, but then again, everything sounds better in english right? Ok, I'm a deep pool of clichés tonight. Sorry. I remember a while back you said something like "oh and you had that blog that has been dead for a long time now" and I thought, ok good, she doesn't know I've been vomiting here. I kind of wanted to keep this a secret but at the same time it was starting to feel a bit lonely and pathetic.
And yes, perfection kind of sucks but we can't help but wanting it. It's like perfection is a bad boy player and we're silly 19 year olds...
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